It’s been 22 years since I wrote the first seven parts of my fanfic Renegade.

I can remember working on it in the cafeteria at work on my lunch break, when I could see scenes in my head as clearly as though I was watching it on television and all I had to do was keep up with transcribing it. I remember working on the timeline and events, trying to make sure that things made sense. I remember being completely surprised when one of the characters revealed that he know something that I hadn’t planned on ahead of time, but that was completely in character and felt right.

I had posted it to my Magnificent Seven fan page, and was confident enough in what I was writing and enjoying myself enough that I was comfortable sharing it with others. And even though it was a Mary Sue in so many ways, that didn’t matter because I was having fun with it.

Then I discovered that at least one actor from the show was visiting my page, and I freaked out. What if he was reading the story? Was I writing his character okay? Would he read it and not like it? He knew this character better than anyone – what if I messed it up? Would he be amused/upset/creeped out that I was writing it?

And that ended my work on Renegade. Killed by a bunch of worries that I built up in my own head that had no basis in reality… It suddenly wasn’t good enough, it was stupid, it was horrible, no one would like it, people were laughing at me for writing it.

Last night I found it in an archive and read it for the first time in 12 years. As I was reading it, I could see the scenes in my mind’s eye as though I was watching it on television. And while it wasn’t great literature by any means, it was still a fun story and I enjoyed reading it.

I think I remember where the story goes from here. I intend to find out.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This isn’t the life I had planned, and in a lot of ways it isn’t the life I wanted. I didn’t want to lose my dad when I was 9. I didn’t want be widowed at the age of 38. I never thought I’d lose my mom, who seemed invincible.

But this is the life that I have. It’s the only one I get.

And in spite of everything, it can still be beautiful.

Sometimes it’s just harder to see it, that’s all.

I’m supposed to put a bio here, but I’m not sure where to start. So I’ll leave it blank for now.